House Rules — Ad Astra per Aspera

I am fairly confident my children would describe me as a relaxed parent. I don’t get easily excited and tend to have very few hard and fast expectations. In terms of house rules, I can count them on one hand: don’t use tobacco products, don’t drink and drive, wear your seatbelt in the car and your helmet when you ride anything with wheels, and don’t take juice out of the kitchen.

I also have two foundational principles I work to both teach them and exemplify in my own life:

Be GENUINE. This translates to a myriad of important behaviors: don’t lie, be yourself at all times, acknowledge your feelings and recognize the feelings of others, stand up for what you believe in, and so much more. The quality I admire most in other people is the ability to be genuine, and I want my kids to demonstrate that quality in their own lives.
Be KIND. My key to kindness is to discover something about another person’s genuine self that I like or admire, and share my positive feeling - back to that person and to others around me who know that person. Kindness also means acknowledging the existence of all those people in this world besides you, and being respectful of their time and needs.

If my clan nails all of the above, I’m pretty sure I grew good humans. Having these few things that I focus on means there is a lot of stuff about parenting I just don’t sweat. You didn’t ace every assignment or test but give academics your best effort? That’s ok with me. You aren’t a rock star athlete, or don’t even really like sports? No big deal; pick something else you like to do and go do it. Sometimes you forget a deadline or drop the ball? What a great learning experience!

Tattoos are one of those “no sweat” sort of things, although I do have another rule: you should want the same thing in the same place for at least a year before you get one. I tell them: if you get to the end of the year and don’t want it anymore, you can be glad you didn’t rush into getting it. And if you do want it, what’s the big deal about waiting a year in your life to think it through? My kids don’t have tattoos (yet). As a physician, I have the confidential privilege of seeing a lot of body art on my patients, and although there have been several pieces I have admired over the years, I never personally found anything that came close to meeting my rule. Until recently.

After my dad died unexpectedly in late October 2018, I had the usual cluster of emotions: shock, sadness, anger, grief. Overwhelmingly, my heart ached for the loss of his presence in our lives. In looking through my memory folder (you know: that place in the desk drawer where you tuck away a lot of random things you might want to see again later), I ran across a letter he had written me several years before. The letter was brief and didn’t say anything of critical importance; the closing and signature were what called out to me. He had written “All My Love, Dad” and as I read the words, I knew immediately I wanted those words with me forever. On my left wrist. So I took a picture, noted the date, and waited my year. Throughout that year, I would check back in - did I still feel certain this was what I wanted? The answer was yes each time. The year has passed, and at 48, I am the proud owner of my first tattoo.

My kids may get their own first tattoo earlier in life, later in life, or never in life. All three options are good with me, as long as they follow the house rules.