Collecting 4:00am Friends
At a recent presentation on the importance of human connection, the speaker asked us to grab a sheet of paper and a pen. He gave us 60 seconds to list our 4:00am friends - those fellow humans we could call in the middle of the night, for anything, without a second thought. That reflective minute yielded three names for me - people with whom I am not afraid to be vulnerable and feel confident they have my back, no matter the situation. There were several people who almost made the list but for whatever reason, I held back - I worried that calling and waking them from sleep would be disruptive, or that my trouble would add too much to their own personal stress, or that, although they would absolutely help, it would be awkward - and ultimately decided I wouldn’t pick up the phone easily. It was a very quiet moment in the room while we each worked on our list.
The speaker then asked that we take the next 60 seconds and write down the names of anyone for whom we would gladly serve as a 4:00am friend. This minute flew by as names came to mind and I rapidly jotted them down. The time was up before I was done thinking, and my list had more than 20 people! Interesting. And it turned out, the ratio between the two lists was similar throughout the entire audience. It was much easier to imagine helping someone else in a crisis than asking for that help ourselves.
The importance of friendship is heavily studied; over 16,000 articles have been published on the subject in 2023 alone. A quick Google “how many friends should a person have?” yields answers from three to three hundred, with popular news articles quoting various studies. Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist, is perhaps best known for formulating Dunbar's number (150) a measurement that contemplates the cognitive limit of humans to form friendships. Yikes! So much work to tell us what we already know: friends are key to health and happiness.
My thoughts have returned to the brief exercise on 4:00am friends several times over the past few months, and I’ve decided two things:
I need to get busy telling those people for whom I would gladly serve as a 4:00am friend that they are on my list, and what that means.
I want to deepen relationships with those almost 4:00am friends so my own middle-of-the-night support team grows.
4am friends for 36 years and counting, circa 2008
Both goals encourage me to connect with others in very meaningful ways, an action that is likely to increase my own joy. And if it works the way it should, the plan will also benefit those I connect with as we expand our relationship - one of those win-win situations we frequently seek and delight in finding. So I’m in! To all in my circle, here’s your fair warning: I want to talk to you, and I’m collecting 4:00am friends.
It is the friends you can call up
at 4 a.m. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich